Did you know that when men say “no,” women find it sexy? My clients are often shocked at this switch in psychology that’s so different from how they experience a woman’s no. From her perspective, a man with good boundaries feels safe — and safe makes room for sexy.
Yet culture has never taught men to consider their own boundaries, or consult their own needs for safety, or track their nervous system’s limits. It is no wonder that it’s hard to respect other people’s no’s if you don’t know your own. Men as much as women have been taught to ignore or override their own boundaries. Culture teaches men from boyhood to be nice, to grin and bear it, endure things and rush past their own sense of timing and safety. In romantic and sexual arenas - maybe in all arenas - this blind force works against you.
You can’t feel confident unless you feel safe. Boundaries allow you to develop a strong energy field around you that exudes self-awareness, self-care, and self-love. That energy field is magnetic and feels solid to others. Building it up iswhat allows others to be attracted to you. Your “brand,” your way of being in the world. Women particularly seek that solidity in men because it means that you take care of yourself so she’s not obligated to. That lets her relax vigilance and start to play. Men with good boundaries feel safe to women because they actually are safe. This is no dating technique but true health.
Boundaries engender trust. Most importantly, you personally feel safe. And safe within your boundaries, you can allow the right people close instead of seeking approval from outside. To truly control outcomes, you manage yourself, not others.