You know short stories right? I’m not doing that. I’m making a series of Corona Shit Stories around the impact of coronavirus. Because the world may pretend to re-open but we know the shit goes on, rolls down and hits the fan. These shit stories are a little about me, a little about you and a little how-to. Cope, that is. This corona shit story is around identity. I’m quite sure we are all suffering from loss of identity along with the loss of our freedom.
My own relationship identity, ever since my traditional marriage concluded when my husband passed away from cancer a few years ago, has been as an “ethically non monogamous relationship anarchist” - meaning I like different people in different contexts who all know about each other and each one of them matters.
But since sheltering in place, my world changed when I asked one dearly trusted partner to quarantine at home with me and my kids. But it gave me marriage flashbacks and panic attacks. Suddenly we were a nuclear family of four again, doing dinner and homework at the kitchen table — and sometimes I like it.
Was I still the evolved woman/ avant-garde sex and relationship coach or did I revert back to the wife and mother of yesterday? Did coronavirus make me trade in my open relationship badge for traditional monogamy again?
How do we deal with loss of identity of any sort, as coronavirus changes all our roles, careers, social and family identities on a daily basis? Who are we without the world outside to see us?
Acknowledge loss: Let’s first acknowledge that we are actively changing and transitioning quickly and daily. Yes, we have lost some precious things: our freedom, our certainty, our connections, our identities, maybe even some of our mental and physical health.
Grieve to completion: Let’s also acknowledge that we are grieving personally and collectively all along Elizabeth Kubler Ross and David Kessler’s stages of — shock, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, acceptance and meaning-making. You can enter this spin cycle at any stage at any point over and over. But here is the thing about grief I learned from my husband’s death: grief is a cleansing process. Letting yourself grieve to completion is the housekeeping of self-care.
Personally, I liked the new radical me! I didn’t want to change (denial). But as coronavirus worsened into life or death situations (shock) and I was forced to adopt a different lifestyle, I got mad and melted down at my kids and my partner (anger), then apologized with tail between my legs (guilt) and was either a zombie (depression) or manically planning projects like polyurethaning all my wood trim (bargaining) to “maximize” this downtime. My beloved identity hangs on by a thread in this new reality as I ask the secret question: Am I for real or was I just acting? That brings us to...
3. Tell a new story: Once you let yourself feel all the stages and rounds of grief, you create space to move on and redefine yourself. Losing something is only half the equation. In the empty space of loss, you get to create a new story to its place. That’s why grieving all the way to completion is so important.
These days, I’m able to redefine myself and tell a different story: that I’m flexible, not tied to just one relationship identity. Yes I chose one ideal partner for quarantine and it’s the right decision for me and my family. It doesn’t mean my nonmonogamous self is gone or that my values of female sexual freedom and empowerment have changed. But I can also wait for a friendlier world to express it (and that’s acceptance).
#coronashitstories